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「龙腾网」你父母对你说过的最糟糕的话是什么(上)

正文翻译

What's the worst thing your parent has ever said to you?
你父母对你说过的最糟糕的话是什么?

评论翻译
Dushka Zapata, I wrote a step by step workbook about how to love yourself.
杜什卡扎帕塔，我写了一本关于如何爱自己的循序渐进的练习册
My parents had a knack for inflicting pain on me because of their place in my life: they created me, and I needed their care and their love to survive.
An absence of their approval felt like a threat to my existence because it was, so I became hyper-vigilant of what they said and how they acted.
It’s no wonder I strived to model my life in function of wanting them to be proud of me: my system is programmed to believe this is how I stay alive.
In the meantime, my parents are not god-like creators. They are figuring out life, acting clumsy, learning how to do this complex parenting thing. They say things out of exhaustion, exasperation, incompetence. They treat me the way someone once treated them because it’s what they know.
What they say is inept, a bad moment, an instant of anger, something they blurt out without thinking. Their carelessness is to me a poison that seems to remain in my system forever, like a thorn dipped in an everlasting toxin.
The moment I realized my parents were just human - flawed, bumbling humans - what they said and did began to have less of an impact on me.
因为父母在我生命中的地位，他们很擅长给我制造痛苦:他们创造了我，我需要他们的照顾和爱才能生存。
没有得到他们的认可感觉像是对我生存的威胁，因为这是一种威胁，所以我对他们的言行高高度度警惕。
难怪我努力塑造自己的生活，希望他们为我感到骄傲:我的系统被设定为相信这是我生存的方式。
与此同时，我的父母并不是上帝般的创造者。他们正在探索生活，行动比较笨拙，学习如何做复杂的育儿事情。他们出于疲惫、恼怒、无能而说这些话。他们对待我就像别人对待他们一样，因为这是他们所知道的
他们所说的话是在不适当时候，糟糕的时刻，愤怒的瞬间不假思索地脱口而出。他们的粗心大意对我来说是一种毒药，似乎永远留在我的体内，就像一根刺浸在永恒的毒素中。
当我意识到我父母也是普通人的时候—有缺陷、笨手笨脚——他们的言行对我的影响开始减弱。
You don’t know best. Your observations are not divine. Your advice is not celestial. I need to wake up, set limits so that I make the life you gave me mine and not yours.
I know me so am a better parent to me than you were. This is not meant to be bitter or angry or insulting. It’s just practical truth. I am the only one who knows what I really need, and I can make sure I get it.
I love my parents. The more I regard them as mortal, the more I see they were young like me, reckless like me, clueless like me, inexperienced like me, the better I understand them.
The more I embrace that I feel a mangle of contradicting emotions towards them - love, exasperation, frustration, tenderness - the better I understand myself.
I had the best parents in the world.
你不是最懂的。你的观察结果不是令人愉快的。你的建议并不高明。我需要醒来，设定界限，让你给我的生活属于我，而不是你。
我了解我自己，所以对我来说，我比你更称职。这并不意味着痛苦、愤怒或侮辱。这只是实际的事实。我是唯一知道我真正需要什么的人，我可以确保我得到它。
我爱我的父母，我越是把他们视为凡人，我越是看到他们像我一样年轻，像我一样鲁莽，像我一样无知，像我一样缺乏经验，我就越了解他们。
我越是欣然接受我对他们有一种矛盾的情绪—爱、愤怒、挫折、温柔，我就越了解自己。
我有世界上最好的父母。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Bailey Lamar, Writer (2015-present)
Bailey Lamar，作家（2015年至今）
Your brother was right.
My mom had me young, and my brother even younger.
She was only 18 when she gave birth to me, having had my brother four years earlier, right after her 14th birthday.
Two separate men, both of which were good fathers, but not great partners.
My parents didn’t get married until I was five, and ended up separated by the time I was thirteen.
My dad worked really long hours, so my mom decided to take me with her when she moved out. I lived with her, alone, for about three years.
Those were some of the most miserable years of my entire life.
She was still pretty young at that time, only 31, with two teenagers already. Pretty soon, she started drinking. The drinking turned to smoking, which turned to mild drugs, like weed. When the weed didn’t help, she started taking E. That didn’t work, either, so then it was coke. And when that didn’t give her enough of a high, it was meth.
When I was fourteen, I had a pretty bad boyfriend. I’ve written about him before, but he was a few years older, and liked to push me around.
你哥哥是对的。
我妈妈生我的时候还很小，生我哥哥的时候更小。
她生我的时候才18岁，4年前她刚过完14岁生日，就生下了我哥哥。
两个不同的男人（成为我们的父亲），他们都是好父亲，但不是伟大的伴侣。
我父母直到我五岁才结婚，到我十三岁时就分居了。
我爸爸工作时间很长，所以我妈妈决定搬出去时带我一起。我和她单独生活了大约三年。
那是我一生中最悲惨的几年。
那时她还很年轻，只有31岁，已经有两个十几岁的孩子了。很快，她开始喝酒。喝酒变成了吸烟，吸烟变成了温和的药物，比如大麻。当大麻没有帮助时，她开始服用E。待这也不起作用，所以后来是可卡因。当这还不能给她足够的兴奋时，直接用冰毒。
当我十四岁的时候，我有一个很糟糕的男朋友。我以前写过关于他的文章，但他比我大几岁，喜欢摆布我。
On one night in particular, he punched me in the face after finding me alone in a room talking to another guy.
It was innocent—we were at a party, he’d left me to drink with his friends, and I was sitting cross-legged on the coffee table, talking to one of his other friends, who sat on the couch—but that didn’t matter. I’d still embarrassed him, so I still got a black eye.
That night, I didn’t get home until sometime around 4 A.M. My mom was passed out on the couch, woke up when I came in, took one look at my face, and rolled over.
The next night, my brother came over for dinner. He came bearing groceries like he always did—he knew our mom well enough to know the only thing he’d find in the house was vodka and top ramen.
The second he saw my face, he turned to our mom. “What happened?”
“What happened with what?” She asked back, shoving her matted, fire-engine red hair out of her face.
“With her face.” He pointed at me.
She looked at me over her shoulder. “Oh, yeah, I don’t know.”
“Gary—” I started, but he cut me off with a wave of his hand.
“You don’t know?” He glared at her. “Did you do that?”
“God, no.” She rolled her eyes at him and shuffled past him to grab at the grocery bag he’d placed on the counter. “She came home like that.”
“And, what? You didn’t ask her what happened?”
My mom shrugged. “No.”
“Jesus Christ.” My brother put his hand over his eyes. For a second, I thought he was too angry to look at her, but when he pulled his hand away, I saw a single tear sliding down his cheek.
特别是有一天晚上，他发现我一个人在房间里和另一个男人说话，就朝我脸上打了一拳。
我是无辜的：我们在一个派对上，他让我和他的朋友们一起喝酒，我盘腿坐在咖啡桌上，和他另一个坐在沙发上的朋友聊天—但这并不重要。我还是让他难堪了，所以我的眼睛还是被打青了
那天晚上，我直到凌晨4点左右才回家。我妈妈昏倒在沙发上，当我进来时醒过来，看了我脸一眼，然后翻了个身。
第二天晚上，我哥哥过来吃晚饭。他像往常一样带着杂货来了，他很了解我们的妈妈，知道家里唯一能找到的东西就是伏特加和顶级拉面。
他一看到我的脸，就转向我们的妈妈。“发生了什么事？”
“发生了什么事？”她回过头来问道，把她那乱蓬蓬的、消防车似的红头发从脸上推开。
“看她的脸。”他指着我。
她回头看着我。“哦，是啊，我不知道。”
“盖理——”我开始说，但他挥手打断了我。
“你不知道？”他怒视着她。“是你干的吗？”
“天哪，不是。”她向他翻了翻眼睛，拖着脚从他身边走过，去抓他放在柜台上的购物袋。“她回家就这样。”
“还有，什么？你没问她发生了什么事？”
我妈妈耸耸肩。“没有。”
“耶稣基督。”我哥哥把手放在眼睛上。有一秒钟，我以为他太生气了，不敢看她，但当他把手拉开时，我看到一滴眼泪从他的脸颊上滑落。
I was frozen.
My brother—six-foot-four, 250 pounds, with nerves of steel and the smartest man I knew—was crying in our dingy, dirty kitchen. The light above him flickered, shuddering across his face.
“Do you even care about us?” He asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
She sighed loudly. “I’m not even going to answer that, Gary.”
“Why? Because you know how horrible you’d be if you told the truth?” He stared at her, tears silently tracing his cheeks. “I always thought you were just immature. That you just wanted to be young, and not have to take care of two kids. But that’s not just it, isn’t it? You don’t just resent being a mother. You resent us. You hate us.”
She didn’t reply.
Gary, swaying on his feet, turned around. “I’m fucking done with this. I’m leaving. Come on, Bailey.”
I looked between my brother and my mom. “I can’t just leave her here.”
He shook his head. “She’s never going to love you, not like that. You know that, right?”
I couldn’t meet his eye.
A second later, he was gone, the front door slamming shut behind him.
“I’ll start dinner,” I said, moving past her to unload the groceries.
She leaned against the kitchen counter, a tired look on her face.
“Your brother was right, you know,” she said casually.
I didn’t turn around.
“I’d never tell him that, because I’m sure he’d make it his mission in life to destroy me, but he’s right.”
“About which part?” I asked quietly.
No response.
“Mom?”
I turned around, but all I saw was her back as she walked up the stairs.
我惊呆了。
我的兄弟身高6英尺4英寸，体重250磅，有钢铁般的神经，哥哥是我我认识的最聪明的人，此时在我们肮脏肮脏的厨房里哭泣。他头顶的灯光闪烁着，在他的脸上颤抖着。
“你关心我们吗？”他问道，他的声音略高于耳语。
她大声叹息。“盖理，我甚至不打算回答这个问题。”
“为什么？因为你知道如果你说实话会有多可怕吗？”他盯着她，眼泪悄悄地顺着脸颊流。“我一直认为你只是不成熟。你只是想年轻一点，不用照顾两个孩子。但不仅如此，不是吗?你不仅仅是讨厌做母亲。你憎恨我们。你讨厌我们。”
她没有回答。
盖理摇摇晃晃地站着，转过身来。“我他妈的受够了。我要走了。来吧，贝利。”
我看了看我哥哥和我妈妈：“我不能把她留在这里。”
他摇摇头。“她永远不会爱你，不会那样的。你知道的，对吧？”
我不敢正视他的眼睛。
一秒钟后，他走了，前门砰地关上了。
我要开始吃晚饭了，”我说着从她身边走过，准备把杂货搬下来。
她靠在厨房的柜台上，脸上带着疲惫的表情。
“你知道，你哥哥是对的，”她漫不经心地说。
我没有转身。
“我不告诉过他，因为我肯定他会把摧毁我作为他的人生使命，但他是对的。”
“关于哪一部分？”我平静地问。
没有回应。
“妈妈？”
我转过身，但她上楼时，我看到的只是她的背影。